If there is one thing about being a single millenial, it’s that everyone has an opinion about your love life.
"You’re not trying."
"You’re too picky."
"You should really give internet dating a chance. I hear [insert website here] worked for [insert name here].”
That last bit. Everyone seems to know someone who found love on the web, but it never seems to be them.
So, given that I have absolutely nothing to lose when it comes to dating, I gave it a try.
Attempt #1: Match.com.
I paid whatever fee they asked of me for a 3 month package which allowed me to see full profiles and communicate via messaging with the men. During those 3 months, only found one man who spoke to me in an intellectual and respectful fashion. So, I gave him a chance.
We met for dinner at a downtown restaurant. My first impression? He looked abso-freaking-lutely nothing like his photo. It caught me off guard. He looked 20 years older in real life, easily.
While I laud the guy for maintaining a level of respect (he didn’t try to get me to sleep with him), I was floored at some of the comments that he made.
No more than 3 bites into dinner, I catch him looking at me while I’m taking a bite of my tortellini. I must’ve had a quizzical look on my face, because he smiled and goes, “I’m just imagining you and me running around the lake in my neighborhood…” The f*ck.
Totally put off by his presumptuous comment, I stabbed another tortellini and washed it down with a sip of Pinot Noir. I’ll pretend he didn’t say that.
Breaking the awkward silence, he invites me to the World Cup.
He explained how his buddy back home (he was Swedish) recently was laid off and could no longer join him in Brazil. The ticket, flight, and hotel, would all be paid for.
I mean g**damn this guy has known me just about 45 minutes & he wants to take me on a world f**king tour?!?
Talk about too much, too soon.
The next day, a day when I work 11.5 hours I received two text messages from him. #1 about how he thought we were a great pair. And #2 was 45 minutes later, where he said, “I guess I didn’t mean anything to you.”
I explained to him I was focused on my professional life and training for a triathlon, and on second thought, I’m not in a good place for a relationship. That was that.
Being a mixture of jaded and busy with my own work-life balance, I stayed away from online dating for a few weeks.
With dipping temperatures, and twinges of loneliness here & there, I decided to give it another try.
I mean, someone out there has to be made for me, right?
Oh, f**k it, Caitlin, just sign up.
And so I did.
Attempt #2: OKCupid.
A mostly free, dating website is chock full of the derelicts of the dating world.
Let me explain something to you, men, maybe you are single because you have no flippin’ clue how to talk to a woman.
The cheesy pickup line. Hint: Never, ever equate a woman to a parking ticket. Really? A fine handed out by overweight, government workers with a chip on their shoulder, because they’re not actually law enforcement?
The illiterate. Illiteracy is only cute on Charlie from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” Pepe Silvia.
I can’t tell if you want to date me, or bench press me…………….
There are now words for this. Except, “f**k you, you sexist motherf**ker.”
Now, for those of you who swear by the internet as the only means to meet true love, I say this to you: my ancestors had no problem finding love without technology.
And yes, while today’s world is inundated with technology, I will count on happenstance. Kismet. Fate. Destiny. Divine power. One day, I will meet the right guy, and he will be something else. But…he is not in cyberland. But at least I tried.
Note: When I finally meet my husband I plan on punching him in the arm. and asking him what the hell took him so long.